A few months ago Madame Noire posted a really good article which listed 20 things women do that give guys the green light to dog them out. Well, the good folks over at Madame Noire got it right- and extremely wrong at the same time.
First off, as a Black Guy, it pains me to see Black Women walking a tight rope of emotion that dangles 20 stories in the air between “Angry Black Woman,” and “Submissive Christian Partner.” I believe that many societal conditions create an atmosphere where Black Women have a hard time simply being themselves enough to find their mate. In between the roles of powerful corporate leader, family head, compassionate mother, and generational care-giver, etc. Black Women rarely have the opportunity to peel back the layers long enough to fully stand as their authentic selves. In addition, guys have a hard time translating the conscious words, social actions, and non-verbal dissertations that women give at any moment- they typically go right over our heads. Guys are simple. We know when it feels right, and when we’re dating someone who fully owns everything about themselves, flaws and all, it makes that process easier. When it feels right, we’ll fall in line and do what we need to do to prove we are worth the love, strength, compassion, and companionship that only a Black Woman can give.
Here’s what Madame Noire got wrong. Ladies, No matter how much you blame yourselves for how men treat you- it is not your fault. If the post swapped the title word “Men,” with “Boys” then perhaps, but no Black Guy walks around looking for these cues in search of feeble lioness prey. Simply put, we’re rarely smart enough to decipher the cues you put right in our face. On the other hand,
Some Guy’s do perform a series of Micro-aggression’s, and base their future actions on how women respond to each:
Guy’s may not be smart enough to decode the cues women give, but we are smart enough to know how to handle a woman based on how she responds to our actions. Women own the proprietary rights to how a man treats her at all times. She sets the bar. If a guy wants you, he’ll rise to that bar.
Here’s a few examples to be on the lookout for:
- DO NOT allow your first meet and greet to go beyond your front door, or his – If a guy can manage to get inside your home, or make you comfortable enough to come by his crib, chances are… your respect level has been irreversibly cut by about 50%.
- Backhanded Conversation Cues – If you’re skin is the same color as Viola Davis, and a guy say’s something like “I’m typically attracted to light skinned girls, but you’re so beautiful to me…” DON’T TAKE THE BAIT. It’s a loaded statement. Don’t take the typical route and respond with something to the effect of: “Well, why am I beautiful to you?” In that instant, you’ve given the power of your beauty over to his perspective. That’s very dangerous, and can plant seeds of insecurity.
- Instead, this is the perfect opportunity to showcase confidence in a way that will resonate with him. Assert your unique beauty by making him talk more. Say: “Tell me why my dark-skinned beauty supersedes what you’d normally go after.” Make him talk. Affirm the self-worth you have for yourself. Let him know (through your confidence) that you’re not worried about other women. Make him reveal his truth and intentions with you.
- The “Last Minute Guy” – Do not allow a guy to repeatedly not make plans with you. It’s OK to be sporadic every now and then- a quick lunch, last minute movie, go work-out together etc. But DO NOT continually reward a man with your time if he’s not effectively considering your time and respecting your responsibilities. If a man can’t plan a date, he sure as hell can’t make plans long-term plans for you and a family.
- The “I left My Wallet Jigga” – Ladies, keep a free dating option in the back of your mind. Know the free museums in your city (and their hours of operation), local parks, and area attractions. Don’t shut a guy out for not having the funds to take you out, instead provide a free alternative. This lets a guy know that you’re not just interested in him for his money, and it lets him know you’re nobody’s suga mama.
These are just a few examples, but I hope you catch my drift. Women should not be so “In their heads” wondering what they’re doing/not doing when it comes to guys treating them a certain way. They should however, be focused on how they respond to the things guys present. If things go bad, the first thing they’ll say is “It’s not you… It’s me.” Take heed.